Algebra and Auto-Politics

$1B fund for hard-hit workers, courtesy of Prime Minister Harper

+

$3B in bailout cash, refused by GM Canada

=

$2B in screwed Canadian GM workers.

OPINION: CANADIAN MILITARY NEEDS TO STEP UP AND KICK SOME PIRATE ASS

A major tenet of the Conservative government’s policy since taking power is to increase military spending.  To that end, in 2007 Stephen Harper committed over $17 billion worth of ships, aircraft and armoured trucks for the Canadian Forces.  Canadians deserve a military that can kick ass, and what better way to re-assert ourselves as a major international powerhouse than by doing something that the rest of the world can’t seem to do: defeat the army of pirates off the Somali coast.

James Dunnigan reports that Russia is poised to get ‘old school’ with those pesky pirates.  Apparently the Russians are sending warships, some commandos, and employing what he calls a ruthless and ‘particularly Russian’ style of counter-piracy operations.

The commando units are comprised of elite assassins called the Spetsgruppa Alfa.  They were sent to Kabul in 1980 “to make sure the troublesome Afghan president Amin and his family were eliminated from the scene (killed.)”

Survivors (members of the presidential palace staff) of the Spetsgruppa Alfa assault reported that the Spetsnaz troopers systematically hunted down and killed their targets with a minimum of fuss. Very professional. The surviving Afghans were suitably impressed.–Dunnigan

Earlier this week, defense Minister Peter MacKay said he will be pushing forward with a plan to purchase $10 billion dollars worth of Naval vessels, mostly comprised of icebreakers, to patrol the rapidly melting arctic. MacKay singled out possible naval encroachments from Russia and China, saying, “We have to be diligent.”

pirates-vs-ninjas

Canadian anti-pirate ninja training academy

So, we have a Conservative government who is intent on increasing military spending by billions of dollars, but they have other things holding them back, like those whiny automotive companies who needed 4 billion dollar bailout.  Bush, Harper, and McGuinty have all stressed that the bailout packages hinge on workers making huge wage concessions, but jobs will be lost no matter what, so cities like Windsor Ontario who are totally dependent on the auto industry are totally screwed.

But I have a solution!

Let’s face it, if we ever stand a chance against fighting off Russian warships teeming with elite commando assassins, a navy fleet featuring up to eight new Polar Class 5 Arctic Offshore Patrol Ships ain’t gonna cut it.  We need to restructure Windsor Ontario from the automotive capital of Canada, to the naval capital of Canada.

Screw the auto factories and the bailout package, let them go bankrupt.  Take all the money you save and build shipyards along the Detroit river and start popping out warships.  Convert the old car and parts factories into secret anti-pirate ninja academies and recruit unemployed automotive workers.  Then start sending out fleets of Canadian warships manned with elite anti-pirate ninjas down the St.Lawrence seaway and head out to Somalia–Operation Pirate Pwnage.

Automotive bailout problem, solved.

Unemployment problem, check.

Military spending problem… what problem?

Pirate problem, they get what’s coming to them–in the face!

CANADIAN MILITARY RECRUITING A BUNCH OF ASSES, DONKEYS TO FIGHT TALIBAN

Russian war pig

Russian 'war pig unit' in the Second World War

Bill Graveland reports that the Canadian military are going to use donkeys to help battle against the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Initial reports suggest that these asses are unrelated to those meth-using Canadian soldiers involved in drug trafficking.

Maj. Charles Jansen, the self-proclaimed “Ass-Master” is spearheading the donkey brigade idea.  Due to the poor health and overall quality of Afghani donkeys, the donkeys will be recruited and flown in from from Europe.

“In essence they’ll be able to use pack animals to deliver critical supplies like water and ammo in places where you can’t easily get to by any mechanized or aviation means”–Maj. ‘Ass-Master’  Jansen

Russian forces have long used pigs on the front lines of battle, but according to Jansen, the Americans have studied the use of a wide variety of animals in the battlefield, including camels, dogs and mules, and the donkey came out on top in the ratings.

“most animals will bolt but a donkey will run for 200 or 300 metres and then stop,”–Maj. ‘Ass-Master’ Charles Jansen

When asked about the suitability of the donkeys on the front lines of a war, Prime Minister Harper said “They tell us that unlike other animals donkeys will not run away from battle, but I would like to reassure all Canadians that none of the recruited donkeys will be French, just to make sure.”

IGNATIEFF SAYS HE WOULD CONSIDER RESTORING G.S.T. TO 7%; CONSERVATIVES SALIVATE

In an one-on-one interview with CityNews’ Richard Madan, Michael Ignatieff shared some of his thoughts on the kinds of policy decisions that a future Liberal government may make under his leadership by stating that he would consider reverting the G.S.T. back to 7%.

“If we are in a deep deficit in year 3 or 4 you can’t exclude tax increases to get us out, … I’m not going to take a GST hike off the table later, but it would be a bad idea now, in the recession.”–Ignatieff

At first glance, it sounds pretty reasonable and responsible to me.  If the economic situation has rebounded and if there are deep structral problems with the budget 3-4 years down the road, then you have to at least consider all the options to remedy the situation.

But whenever you utter the words “I’m not going to take a GST hike off the table” or “you can’t exclude tax increases,” then you are leaving yourself vulnerable to a big can of Conservative whoop ass.  Iggy’s comments were pretty innocuous and hypothetical, but it’s dangerous to publicly hypothesize about political landmines.

Perhaps his academic background makes him more prone to giving answers which are maybe a little bit too thorough, because he really should have a little more tight-lipped here.  The Conservatives haven’t had very much to go on lately, focusing on Iggy’s brow and his waffling on the Iraq war, so I’m betting that they’re smelling blood here, and it won’t take long for the sharks to start painting Ignatieff as a tax & spend Liberal.

'Hypothetical' Conservative shark attacking Ignatieff, and a random sea lion

'Hypothetical' Conservative shark attacking Ignatieff (in red), and a random sea lion

SUNDIN GIVES LEAFS THE SHAFT; SIGNS WITH CANUCKS

Mats Sundin leaves the Leafs

Mats Sundin leaves the Leafs

Mats Sundin finally signed with the Vancouver Canucks this afternoon, ending months of speculation as to where, or if, he would play this season.

Within the last year, the Toronto Maple Leafs repeatedly tried to get Sundin to waive his no-trade clause in an attempt to jump-start their rebuilding process, but the Leafs management were rebuffed and frustrated by Sundin, who repeatedly said he wanted to ‘retire a Maple Leaf’ during the 2008 trade deadline media frenzy that took place in Toronto.

While Sundin certainly did earn the right to his no-trade clause by becoming the Leafs’ all-time goals and points leader, he was not true to his word, and the Leaf’s missed out on a rare opportunity to restock their system with prospects in an attempt to turn around a franchise which has been unable to reach the post season since the 2004 lock-out.

After also claiming Kyle Wellwood off of waivers earlier this season, the Canucks have recruited what were arguably Toronto’s two most offensively gifted players from last season, and they did not give up anything but money to get them.  They already have the NHL’s best goaltender in Roberto Luongo and one of the strongest defense corps in the league.  This move makes the Canucks a legitimate Cup contender, but they would still have to battle through an incredibly tough Western Conference to even make it to the finals.

IGNATIEFF USURPS THE LICH KING, OZZY OSBOURNE AS THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS

The Lich King moments before getting pwned by Ignatieff

The Lich King moments before getting pwned by Ignatieff

In yet another shocking seizure of power, John Chuckman of the Baltimore Chronicle reports that newly-appointed Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff appears to have usurped The World of Warcraft’s Lich King to become Canada’s Prince of Darkness.

The Lich King is the main antagonist in the wildly popular World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King expansion.  He is the creator of an undead faction called “The Scourge“and rules over them telepathically from his throne atop the Icecrown Glacier.  It is not yet known whether Ignatieff will attempt to legitimize his assent to Prince of Darkness with the Scrouge at the upcoming WoW convention.  Grassroots Scourge activists were hoping that the whole process could have been more democratic by using simple telepathic technology, but they have reluctantly endorsed Ignatieff for the time being.

In his much anticipated launch in World of the Warcraft’s latest expansion, the Lich King challenged the incumbant Prince Osbourne for the Dark Throne of Evil.

“Well maybe you’re the one riding a #?@! crazy train, but I’ve been the Prince of Darkness since 1979!”–Former Prince of Darkness Ozzy

Despite Prince Osbourne’s garbled protestations, the Lich King dethroned Ozzy Osbourne, hitting him for 1,000,000 hit points of damage on a single ranged magical-attack. (See Below)

In a recent poll, Ignatieff was overwhelmingly chosen as the Canadian politician with the sweetest ninja skillz, so we knew he was a threat, but his unprecedented level of aggressiveness is coming as a shock to many Canadians.  Many have suggested the Ignatieff’s lack of aggressiveness is because the Liberal coffers are too bare to cope with another election.  But Jamaica-lovin’ Super-Liberal Warren Kinsella says this is not so:

“First off, the Liberal Party of Canada isn’t “broke.” … the LPC will be quite election-ready, thank you very much. … Our web team – a very impressive bunch – were very effective at getting folks to donate.”–Kinsella

The Liberal “web team” experts were likely to have given Ignatieff key strategic insights as to how to take down the most feared head boss ever seen in the entire MMORPG universe, but John Chuckman reminds us that Ignatieff isn’t your typical hack-and-slash melee politician class:

“[Ignatieff] is aggressive, arrogant, and has demonstrated Machiavellian skills. I see him as a divisive and anti-democratic figure, much as Stephen Harper”–Chuckman.

Chuckman likens Ignatieff style to a young President Mubarak from Egypt.  Mubarak, whose corrupt government has been in power since the assination of former president Sadat in 1981, declined to comment (out of fear that he might be Iggy’s next victim, no doubt.)  Chuckman goes on to say,

Ignatieff spent years speaking for America ‘s global empire, allying himself with the Neo-cons in his enthusiasm for invading Iraq. He joined the ranks of ethical cowards by suggesting some modest role for torture…Had he been in office when Bush invaded, Canadians would be killing and being killed in Iraq.–Chuckman

Watch your back Mr. Harper: Iggy “The Brow” Ignatieff is bloodthirsty and on the loose.  You’d best not agro the newest Prince of Darkness, else you might end up with an a$$-full of pwnage.

Special thanks to Bork Newswatch for highlighting this informative gem.  I <3 Payola.

DEPRESSION POSSIBLE: HARPER’S ECONOMIC ABOUT-FACE

Prime Minister Harper did not rule out an economic depression on Monday, a total about-face from his initial view that Canada was the one country in the world that would not go into recession.

First he thought there won’t be a recession in Canada and that now would be a good time to invest in the stock market.  Then he believed there might be a recession and the appropriate economic response is to remove subsidies that would totally cripple the opposition parties.  That idea did not go over so well, resulting in a temporary shutdown of parliament, but prorogument afforded Mr. Harper some time to catch up on some current economic readings because now he believes we not only go into recession, but potentially a depression.

And Mr. Harper used to be an economist?  I’ll tell you what’s depressing: our Prime Minister’s dwindling credibility.

The PM’s evolving views

Oct. 7: “I think there are probably some great buying opportunities emerging in the stock market as a consequence of all this panic.”

Asked whether he would unequivocally rule out a deficit under his government: “Yes. … Yesterday I think I was asked one question about whether we would run a deficit and I said, ‘No.’ That’s my answer.”

Oct. 11: “The fact of the matter is independent analysts, including the International Monetary Fund, say that Canada is not going to go into recession with the current world environent and its current set of domestic policies. We’re the one country that’s going to continue to show some growth.”

Nov. 23: “The most recent private-sector forecasts suggest the strong possibility of a technical recession the end of this year, the beginning of next.

“I am surprised at this. I am also further surprised, more importantly, by deflationary pressure that we’re seeing around the world. This is a worrying development, one of the reasons why it may well be necessary to take unprecedented fiscal stimulus.”

Dec. 15: “The truth is, I’ve never seen such uncertainty in terms of looking forward to the future. …. I’m very worried about the Canadian economy.”

Asked whether the situation could turn out to be a depression: “It could be, but I think we’ve learned enough about depression; we’ve learned enough from the 1930s to avoid some of the mistakes that caused a recession in 1929 to become a depression in the 1930s.”

Mr. Harper also continues to allege that opposition parties are attempting a coup by “overturning the results of the election,” but those of us who are not politically ignorant know that this allegation is not true since a coalition is entirely within the rules of parliamentary democracy.

PROTIP: No matter how often you say it Mr. Harper, it won’t become true.  Stop treating the Canadian public like ignorant fools, and try presenting sensible policies instead.

Jack Layton is hoping Santa delivers him a miracle this Christmas, while Stephen Harper must be hoping for even just an ounce of credibility.

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