OPINION: CANADIAN MILITARY NEEDS TO STEP UP AND KICK SOME PIRATE ASS

A major tenet of the Conservative government’s policy since taking power is to increase military spending.  To that end, in 2007 Stephen Harper committed over $17 billion worth of ships, aircraft and armoured trucks for the Canadian Forces.  Canadians deserve a military that can kick ass, and what better way to re-assert ourselves as a major international powerhouse than by doing something that the rest of the world can’t seem to do: defeat the army of pirates off the Somali coast.

James Dunnigan reports that Russia is poised to get ‘old school’ with those pesky pirates.  Apparently the Russians are sending warships, some commandos, and employing what he calls a ruthless and ‘particularly Russian’ style of counter-piracy operations.

The commando units are comprised of elite assassins called the Spetsgruppa Alfa.  They were sent to Kabul in 1980 “to make sure the troublesome Afghan president Amin and his family were eliminated from the scene (killed.)”

Survivors (members of the presidential palace staff) of the Spetsgruppa Alfa assault reported that the Spetsnaz troopers systematically hunted down and killed their targets with a minimum of fuss. Very professional. The surviving Afghans were suitably impressed.–Dunnigan

Earlier this week, defense Minister Peter MacKay said he will be pushing forward with a plan to purchase $10 billion dollars worth of Naval vessels, mostly comprised of icebreakers, to patrol the rapidly melting arctic. MacKay singled out possible naval encroachments from Russia and China, saying, “We have to be diligent.”

Canadian anti-pirate ninja training academy

So, we have a Conservative government who is intent on increasing military spending by billions of dollars, but they have other things holding them back, like those whiny automotive companies who needed 4 billion dollar bailout.  Bush, Harper, and McGuinty have all stressed that the bailout packages hinge on workers making huge wage concessions, but jobs will be lost no matter what, so cities like Windsor Ontario who are totally dependent on the auto industry are totally screwed.

But I have a solution!

Let’s face it, if we ever stand a chance against fighting off Russian warships teeming with elite commando assassins, a navy fleet featuring up to eight new Polar Class 5 Arctic Offshore Patrol Ships ain’t gonna cut it.  We need to restructure Windsor Ontario from the automotive capital of Canada, to the naval capital of Canada.

Screw the auto factories and the bailout package, let them go bankrupt.  Take all the money you save and build shipyards along the Detroit river and start popping out warships.  Convert the old car and parts factories into secret anti-pirate ninja academies and recruit unemployed automotive workers.  Then start sending out fleets of Canadian warships manned with elite anti-pirate ninjas down the St.Lawrence seaway and head out to Somalia–Operation Pirate Pwnage.

Automotive bailout problem, solved.

Unemployment problem, check.

Military spending problem… what problem?

Pirate problem, they get what’s coming to them–in the face!